Bloody

I promised a post about my friends, and a post about them we will get. I'm going to bring up every friend that matters to me that I could possibly think of, whether or not there's something to support this. Why, you may ask? Because I want to circle the wagons. I want to take heart in the things that I do have. There'll be some online friends and some offline friends mixed in there... If you're not included, it's not because you don't matter! It's just that I didn't get around to writing something up for you just yet. xD

Steve. Steve is my brother, plain and simple. Though we aren't related by blood, there's no one else that I would consider so close to being family. I always thought Steve was a bit of a jerk, constantly making fun of me and frequently being an idiot... And, after seven years of being best friends with him, I'd still say that he's a jerk and is frequently an idiot. There's no one else that has got into so much trouble with me, shouting "That was *badass*!" later. We have more inside jokes than we know what do do with, and we make it known too. I could fill up pages upon pages with just the history of Steve and I, so I'm not even going to go into it into too much depth here. We've known just about all of our lives, and have been close to each other since seventh grade. There's no one I know better, and no one I could possibly hope to be better friends with. He's currently in Afghanistan in the National Guard, so you can consider me an avid troop supporter, even if I dislike the reason why they're fighting.

If Steve is my brother, then Tony is our crazy incest bastard child. Tony was always in a grade below Steve, until he decided to go and fail eighth grade. Since then, we sort of 'took him under or wing', or so we've said. We hung out with him, introduced him to our sort of music and humor, and generally were just good people to him. In exchange, Tony became the third in our group of gradually expanding friends. I met him his freshman year, when Steve basically said 'Here, he's cool, meet him'. Things just sort of progressed from there. I still see him frequently; often twice a week or more.

Mike has been the one to stick with me through the years, even when Steve failed a grade. Forever jumping in and out of the group, he's simply been one to bring in and hang out with. A very down-to-earth guy and as big of a gamer as I am, he has to be the 'nicest' out of all of us. He'll help one of us with whatever need we have while joking around with us as well. Sure, he's made some poor decisions (Like drinking a lot, smoking, almost getting married to a woman all of us -- including him -- disliked), but he's one of us. I saw him for the first time in quite awhile today. Usually, he's pretty well taken with work at the pizza place that his stepmom runs. He's been working there for four years running.

Larry -- Formerly known as "The Noob" of the group. If Tony was our successful incest bastard child, then Larry was the redheaded version. I feel bad for how he used to be. We put him through so much crap, but it was all in generally good fun. He was always a friend, even if he took joking slack from all of us. However, we made a monster. Larry isn't the nicest person to be around anymore after finally growing the cajones to stand up for himself. Tony frequently follows his decisions, which are often the more assholish ones. Either way, he's a good guy underneath and is frequently over whenever Tony is. They're almost conjoined at the hip. Really.

Mike number two, known as Dutty, has had a falling out with us over the past months. The youngest of the group, he used to hang out with us almost consistantly until he suddenly found a life, a band, and another group of friends. Really, I'm proud of him for getting that far with his dreams and passions for music, but leaving us in the dust really isn't something I particularly enjoy. Perhaps in the coming weeks he'll be able to hang out more as his 'play practice' thing comes to an end. Then again, maybe not. Can always hope, though!

Ali. The first of the online friends to be listed there, but don't make a mistake. It doesn't make the friendship any less real. Ali and I met about five years ago in an internet RP room known as the Black Moon Tavern. We've had our ups and downs, bottomed out, and have recently begun talking again. Despite everything, I have to say that she's second to only Steve in the ones most pivotal to my life and how I came out today. I've already spoke about the sort of care I have for her, so I won't reiterate it... But, she deserved a mention here.

Kat is a more recent friend, only having really been around me for a year. We've had a large rollercoaster of ups and downs, but we always seem to start hanging out again between downs. It's probably because we're so insanely similar. We enjoy the same music, think a lot of the same thoughts, and have the same steadfast devotion to certain things. We met in another RP room and have played several things since... But, our RP has recently come to a complete dry spot as story lines vanished. We fight quite a bit, but we still manage to speak every day.

The Le'Astra group. I need to bunch these, because they all seem to go together. Carie. Adam. Jovi. Ren. Lucas. Knight. James, and most recently Star and Smith. We've all been RPing together for so long that it's seemed as if a lot of RP isn't the same if I don't include them. Carie's always been the mom of the group, being one of the only females, but I've known her for years and years through different RPs and through so much talking. We actually co-founded Le'Astra years ago. Adam was once the 'second in command'... A very... Reach-out-and-touch-somebody type of guy. He has his hands in everything and, though I have some qualms about him (If you read below, he's the mun of Yaphet), he's still a good guy. Jovi is fun to be around, and often the sanity of the group... While also making up 50% of the women in Le'Astra. He has an insane amount of lesbian charries, he does. Ren and Lucas are the periodic insanity about, Knight's the headache, and James is the innocent one. Star and Smith are the engaged couple that recently joined, and whom have started attempting to ressurect the RP. Whether or not it actually happens is still to be seen.

Nicole. She's such a wonderful friend of mine, but gets so little credit and attention for me and, for that, I sincerely apologize. She randomly IMed me out of the blue one day after seeing my screen name attached to an E-mail and, since then, we've been chatting randomly. She has a life similar to my own and, while it's not necessarily the best thing, we've been able to talk to each other about things that no one else could speak of. I appreciate her for it; I really do. She's one of my RP partners that I still RP with, if completely periodically. Also, I don't seem to have a profile, nor a picture of her available. Huh.

Giselle. I've realized that most of the online people I connect to most have been women. I have no clue why, really... But, anyway. Giselle was another girl I met through RP. I remember playing some of the most random modern RP with her, and truly enjoying it. She's a gamer, and a very fun person to simply chat about. Her life's been on the up lately, and I'm so proud of her. We still RP on occasion, namely our characters Keegan and Veronica... But, with how much has been going through her life, they've been mostly on pause for over a month.

Devy's got to be, no offense to everyone, the most sweet of the girls that I've spoken to over the years. I've known her about as long as I've known Ali, and we've been like siblings since, even if I had a *massive* crush on her at one time. She's a wonderful person, and is the only one to still call my "Beanie" after that nickname all but faded away. She, too, has stumbled across a bit of a life lately and, after she broke up with her ex boyfriend, James, has fell into the college life. I don't blame her, though! I'm glad her life's progressing.

VT and Meg need to be grouped together. They're some of my newest friends. I've known them both less than a month, but they're amazingly fun to hang out with and tend to let my mind remain in the gutter more often than not. I RP with them frequently on City of Heroes, and will be the only City friends I mention here. I'm glad that Carie introduced me to them both, truly.

I'm running out of names, so last but not least is Alex. Ali introduced me to Alex years and years ago. He's the nerdiest male I know; even being far moreso than myself. We've gamed together for years, and is truly the only one that can say that there are some games I'll say 'No' to playing. We've spoken frequently over the years, having bouts of silence occasionally between the chatter.

Wow. I'm coming up with a mindblank from there on. If there's anyone at all that I missed, I'm sorry! It's simply because names slipped through my mind after typing that much at 12 AM. I know most wouldn't care about such a list, but... I wanted to type it out. It's made *me* feel better.

I have a duo of computers in my room. It's been this way since my first computer, a Windows 95. I reference it to the Sith rule of two; always one to hold the power, and one to crave it. My newer computer has always been on my desk, and the older one is on a place of power beside it so my friends could game with me whenever the older computer has the capabilities for it. Today was one of the days where we hooked up that new computer so that we could play Battle for Middle Earth 2. Real time strategy games have been a favorite here for some time, ever since Steve and I spent an entire summer playing Starcraft back in the day. We became gods at the game during it, being able to go 2v6 games and win. Things were simple back then.

When I constructed my new computer, I decided not to immediately hook up the second, instead leaving it unused off to the side. This tradition has finally been brought back up, and today we hooked up my old computer. It's an ongoing process, taking three hours so far, to clean off the locations, hook it up, get a new ethernet cord, keyboard, and mouse... And now reinstalling the game. This is coming together in a nerdgasmic explosion. We'll have three computers, soon to be four when Steve gets back.

I'll tell all about the friends later. For now, that'll do.

Enough depression! Nerdiness is needed for this post... I play Dungeons and Dragons 3.5e quite frequently online, mostly in this Le'Astra storyline that we've had going for years and years. It's some of the only fantasy RP I know, which is why I really need more. Anyway, I play a few different characters. There's Jonnis "Gale" Styphen, the first knight of the kingdom whom doesn't get much attention anymore. Zebulon, a celestial who's best friend was an incubus named Yaphet for the longest time. Jecht, a half-vampire in search of his wife. Azyrroyx, a centaur looking for a new definition of honor. Each facet of my personality has been split and formed into its own character, and I've had so much fun over the years... But, eventually, this RP has died down to nothing as players started moving to City of Heroes. It's not a very bad thing, persay. There is good RP to be had on City, but there is one problem: Yaphet, the incubus that was once Zebulon's best friend. Adam (the mun of Yaphet) was the fourth one to join, and the first of us to get to level 50 when I went back to play my paladin on World of Warcraft. Because of it, Yaphet became this large power... And, he's a complete egotistical dick. Well, to most people, that is. He rubs a good amount of people the wrong way, but no one's able to do anything about it. It's a truly annoying feeling, but one I'll have to eventually get over or move back to WoW. I've been getting decent RP there every once in awhile. Problem is, those moments are few and far between.

Anyway, where was I? Right! Dungeons and Dragons! A friend from Le'Astra decided to make a Starwars d20 game, and man is it interesting. There's no jedi PCs yet, but it adds to the flavor. I'm having the most interesting RP there than I've had in a long time. There's only one problem: There's no social interaction between my character, Altrus, and the rest of the crew. One is a rabbit-like thing that despises Altrus because he made a joke about coney stew. There's an astromech droid -- A R2 unit that really has little in the way of personality. Then there's the aging pilot, Jet, played by the DM. He's interesting, but nothing but a plot tool. Then there's the two females, Miley and Sera. Miley is a lesbian. Flaming, but fun to play with. The only problem is, she really has no chemestry with Altrus to form any sort of interesting reaction between them. Then there's Sera, who would be the only hope... But, whom is also a lesbian with Miley. This is turning into the lesbian love boat!

I don't even know what I'm complaining about anymore. My point is this: I need some sort of social aspect as well as an awesome story to keep my attention. Lately, I haven't been getting that. I think I need to find new things to RP. Hmn. Oh well! End of pointless rant.

I think it's time to talk about a few family problems.

My aunt was always pretty awesome to me. She hung out, laughed, and joked around with us. She was just generally a cool person to be around but, as I got older, I discovered that things weren't as happy as one might expect. It all started after constant calls to my mom about how "badly" her husband treated her. We knew there was something of abuse in that relationship; not physical, but via insults. Comments about her weight. About her not cleaning the house. Et cetra, et cetra. Eventually, she broke down and wound up here for a few weeks. This was, perhaps, a year ago now. I was her rock. I listened to her crying -- Something I never thought I'd ever have to do, helping out whenever I can. My mom went and got a restraining order with her... And, then, we went and got him kicked out of the house. Police were there as well. I orchestrated everything and, in the end, I felt like the most horrible person in the world. My uncle has always been there for me... But, things were tensed. He had confronted my grandfather and they almost came to blows. Things had to happen.

Naturally, she submitted and eventually, they lived back in the same house. All that work crashed to the ground.

"Fool me twice" came next. She decided that she wanted out this time. My grandfather, being the protective man that she is, gave her that much. He bought her an apartment, and a rather expensive apartment at that, since she had to stay 'in the district', since she worked there, and my cousin had to go to school there. Oh, but let me tell you about my cousin. If you can't tell from her myspace, let me tell you this: She's a bad kid. She drinks, smokes (Multiple things, naturally), and steals. Broken beer bottles around the apartment? My aunt says it wasn't their fault, and that it had to be someone else. My grandfather gave her the benefit of the doubt and defended her against the landlord. Naturally, it was them. She's done nothing but lie in increasing amounts until my mom and grandfather wound up being the ones who had to move her back out when she, once more, decided to move in with her husband (I won't even describe the trek up flights of stairs that me and Dad had to do when we moved her in to begin with).

The most recent problems have been quite severe. Two weeks after my dad died, my aunt decided that she wanted to stay over for the weekend, as she did the week before, to make sure she was alright. She called that night, saying that she was throwing up and wouldn't be able to make it. Lie. A few hours later, we find out that she was arrested for shoplifting Nintendo Wii games from Target, and was now being held overnight in the country jailhouse. Go-fucking-figure. More that my mom and I need on our plates. Needless to say, any respect that I gained for her after the fiasco with the apartment was swept aside once more. A week later, she decided to do what she promised; to come over for the weekend. Since then, I've heard *nothing* but "I haven't stole anything". I'm sick and tired of hearing this. She's a 35 year old woman, and I have far more maturity than she does.

Some people just need to grow up.

I guess it was time for a new blog. I've had quite a few in the past, and needless to say, they didn't last. One was a video game blog that I only posted in for a month or two. There were a few interesting pieces I wrote there that I may bring here, but we'll see. I'll start this one right... My friend... Friend? Friend seems like such a small word for what we've gone through, so I'm just going to go with this: My Ali showed me to blogger and suggested I should use it, simply because 'venting to someone who won't talk back, but know will get read' is good. There's no wiser words. Thus, here we are! Blog number 4, after a Livejournal and two failed Xangas.

Time to tell a bit about myself. My name's Ron. I live in a small town in the middle of Illinois, about an hour south of chicago... At least at the time being, anyway. I stand about six feet tall, and I'm fat. Because of this chubbyness, I'm single. At the moment, my life is a living hell. My home is being foreclosed on. It's something that you hear about on the news, but never think would happen to yourself before it's too late. I've lived in this house since I was five years old. At first, the thought wasn't bad. We were going somewhere new. It was an 'adventure'. My dad and I loved adventures. We used to get lost constantly just to find our way back. It was even worse when he had a motorcycle. This was years ago; possibly five or more... I was only thirteen, and I remember riding right behind him on the motorcycle, hanging on while we rode down highways, or over bridges... We didn't know where we were going. We were just riding to ride. We always loved the feeling... Always said we'd get a new pair of bikes so that we could go riding. My dad and I were best of friends, so when we found a house about a half hour away that needed work, we just smiled and pushed on. It was large... Needed a fence. Deck. All the small things that my dad and I took amazing joy in doing together. He worked nights as security at a chemical plant, so we only saw each other when he wasn't sleeping during the day... But, it was enough for me at that time.

Things were wonderful.

That was when my dad died. February 19th, 2009, at 4:13 am, my mom came charging into my room. I was on my computer, listening to music and playing World of Warcraft. I was already upset. My good friend was leaving the server to join her husband's server, because she no longer wanted to RP. I was in Zul'Farrak, farming this interesting sword that would be this deathknight's rune blade for RP, arguing with her... When I heard her scream. "Daddy's dead, Ronny". I was in a state of shock. She kept saying that he was in "Saint Joes", meaning St. Joseph's hospital. I believed he was alive for the longest time. That he was in surgery. I wasn't so lucky. The day passed by in a blur... I hadn't slept that entire day. It was good I hadn't. It made me numb.

He had been sick for a week before. Bronchitis, he kept saying. He was short of breath... Slightly weak, but he hated the doctor's. He refused to go, playing it off as him just being sick. He was 'immortal', after all... Always joking that he'd never die. Always joking that he'd live forever. We found out that he had a heart attack sometime in that weak, which weakened a wall of his heart and formed an aortic aneurysm. That night at work, the aneurysm ruptured. He died instantly, without pain. We aren't sure where he was when he died...

I got in touch with my cousins, whom in turn got in contact with the rest of my dad's family. His wake was filled with over two dozen people. His entire family, save for his sister whom lived out of state... Huge amounts of people from his work. Everyone came. My dad was loved and respected... And he was gone. He was given a burial with full military honors the next day.

It's been a month and two days now since it happened. The gunshots from the 21 gun salute still ring in my mind. I'm in pain constantly.

This pain was only compounded by a girl I met two days after my dad's death. Deborah... Really, she's beautiful. She had such a cute, sweet side... And then a hard side. Things were decent for that week. She kept my mind and heart occupied each night, when things were their worst. For that, I thank her. But, she squeezed much too tightly. Each night we fought about the dumbest things. Arguments if I wasn't able to be dominant enough for her to get off on. Arguments if I wasn't able to talk and be interesting enough for her. Arguments if it was 5am and I wanted to sleep, and she still wanted to talk to me. Arguments about how I dislike recreational drug use, but I was a 'hypocrite' for not 'trying before judging it'. We grew further apart until I finally broke up with her. She's wanted to get me back since... And I've almost agreed on several occasions. I love the affection and attention, but I can not date a girl that I argue with so much... I can't date a girl that I don't get along with, and who has tastes in both music and life that are far different from my own. I feel ashamed that I told her 'I love you' once... It wasn't a true feeling. It was a want. I wanted to love her. I wanted to feel close to her, but it didn't work.

Not like the 'I love you' that I told to Kat. It's been a year since I've met her and, since, I've felt an amazing connection to her. If there was one girl in the world that I want to be with, it's her. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. I don't get my dreams to come true. She doesn't like me as anything more than a friend, and never shall... But, that will not stop me. She was the one girl that I called at 5 AM the morning of the 19th, in tears... And, she didn't immediately hang up on me. Without her, I would've freaked out even more.

It made me realize that you're too good to give up. I feel that I know how you are, and I connect to you... And that connection is something that does not easily come undone. When I said "I love you", Kat, it wasn't said hastily or without provication. I truly do feel that I love you, and it's a love that transcends the bounds of the simple want of being together. It's a love that draws me to you and keeps me by your side no matter what, even as a friend or brother figure.

My exact words to her at that time. And, they were completely and utterly true. There are very few people you could have that bond with in life... The other person is Ali. My Ali. We've known each other for so many years they almost feel completely innumerable. We always knew that our life would include each other in some way. Once, we even thought that dating was the right choice. It would have been, I believe... But, she told me that she was gay not long after that. I've always joked that I could turn a girl gay after that (As opposed to that saying of turning a gay girl straight... So on and so forth), though I know it's not true. She's been a piece of me for so many years, and I wouldn't be the man I am today if she wasn't in my life. Each piece of advice, I took to heart... Each story, I memorized, and each feeling, I cherished. We were thrown apart when she believed that the feelings I had for her were a lie... They weren't. My heart was never fabricated. I'm simply an introvert... I don't always show my true feelings, which is why pouring my heart out here is so strange for me. But, I'll say it simply. Ali, you were my first true love, and you'll forever be in my heart, even if you never read this... Thank you for everything.

I think that's definitely a good enough first entry.